Do you ever find yourself not achieving exactly what you want, leading to feelings of anger and insecurity? Do you start comparing yourself to others, which leaves you with feelings of sadness, anxiety, and a belief that you should try even harder because someone you know has already achieved what you still only dream of? And then, thoughts convince you that you need to work on yourself even more because otherwise it will be too late, and you will waste so much time, never achieving your desires?
Many people, including myself, may experience these feelings. Many years of my life were filled with constant lack of trust, accompanied by feelings of inadequacy and fear that I had to prove my worth everywhere if I wanted to succeed in this world.
And with this, I don’t mean that there’s anything wrong if someone puts effort into achieving their desires. I’m talking about that kind of striving one does to feel worthy because without it, they can’t recognize their value — that was my case for very long time.
After many years of repeating the same emotional states and persistently investing my daily energy in relentless effort, it has dawned on me that the vital missing ingredient in making life truly work for so long was simply trust — Trust in life itself.
Trust that where I am now is exactly where I am supposed to be. Trust that everything meant for me will come at the right moment. Trust that I have the strength to handle everything life brings. Trust that I can enjoy every moment because there is abundance of beauty and many opportunities in each of them.
It was only then that I realized it wasn’t about the specific actions I took but more about the approach to life I had all those years.
For a long time, I perceived it differently. Instead of effortlessly going through each moment and letting things flow naturally, I tried to influence the outcomes and control everything around me, myself included. This effort brought me constant stress and worry, and I couldn’t enjoy the present moment and simply perceive the beauty that surrounds me. I exerted most of my energy predicting possible catastrophic scenarios that would play out in my mind if I let go of control.
Do you ever experience feelings that seem inexplicable? A wonderful day suddenly overshadowed by unexplainable sadness and anger? When I asked myself why this was happening to me despite my efforts, after many therapies and delving into my inner world to discover the origin of my feelings, I realized that these stemmed from my past, specifically my initial contact with the world.
My mom had a tough time giving birth and needed a c-section. After my birth, I spent long hours and days separated from her while she rested. I was without any possibility of contact with her. At that time, it was natural not to pay much attention to ensuring the baby was in the mother’s arms as soon as possible.
Is this relevant at all? So many years have passed since then. Why does it matter?
Because from the first moment of my life and from this experience filled with feeling of fear and helplessness, the belief was born: “You’re here alone, Niki, because you don’t deserve to be loved.”
So, from the very first moment of my life, my mind automatically assessed that for me to deserve to survive in this world, I simply had to try hard, I simply had to prove my worth, because if not, I will be alone and return to a state of not deserving to be loved.
For a long time, these feelings and beliefs influenced my decisions and attitude towards life. I tried to control everything around me to avoid what I experienced in the first moments of my life. This still happens to me today. I tried to prove my worth through actions and results because I was afraid that if I stopped, I was no longer enough, I no longer deserved to be loved and recognized.
Gradually, I realize that the world and the people around me beautifully show me that the opinions and beliefs I created as a child may not be as true as I thought. My life put me in the situations where I can see that there are many other perspectives and different perceptions that are also valid and much more optimistic.
But why is it so hard to let go of control?
Because the fear from the past still lingers inside me, protecting me from going back to those painful feelings. This fear creates a shield, making it hard for me to let go of control and just become a friend with the present moment.
On my 29th birthday, I received a message from my mom who said, ”Niki, I want you to know that even though the doctors did their best to make sure everything went well and you came into this world healthy, YOU were the one who took care of yourself. You made it because of you.” That’s when I realized I didn’t have to fight. It all went smoothly because even for just a second, I had trust in life itself. Because without that trust, I wouldn’t be here.
So what does “life” mean? It means me… me and my inner self. Without me, there wouldn’t be life. So I can perceive life as an adventure that is here happening through me.
For me, trusting in life is really trusting in myself. It’s trusting that in every moment, I’m doing the best I can, and if things were supposed to be different, they would be. It’s trusting that just by being myself, I deserve to be loved. It’s trusting that no matter what happens, I can handle it.
Well, but is it possible to regain trust in life as soon as possible?
For 29 years, I felt disconnected from the flow of life. How can I, in just some days, reconnect and regain trust in life and in myself? It’s like taking a journey back through time. As life gradually unfolds the layers of beliefs and labels I once placed to shield myself, I’m presented with a chance to embrace them, let go, and allow new understanding to bloom. If I can find the courage to let my emotions flow freely, to let my breath find its natural rhythm without holding onto tension, I’ll gradually rebuild trust in my life. It’s understanding that those beliefs and labels are part of my past, no longer defining my present. And if I struggle to release them or there are moments where I’m simply not able to allow the life to flow without resistance, that’s alright too. It’s all part of the journey.
Slowly, I’m learning to accept my feelings. And in doing so, I’m learning to trust life and, in turn, trust myself. Little by little, I’m letting go of my fears and starting to believe that I’m on the right path. Because each of us has our own path, which is no worse or better than mine.
It’s enough to allow life to unfold naturally, all the while embracing and being grateful for every moment in between.